The Direct Debit

Dear Caroline,

I am sorry to say that I am bankrupt. I know I am a banker but I am in heavy loss. The loss of my heart that is.

You see two years back I gave my silly heart on a loan to a woman. I didn't even know her current account details and asked her for no security bond in the transaction, assuming that my mortgage would be in safe hands. Now, I am nothing but an Automated Loving Machine and all I can think about is how this debtor of mine is going to return the object of matter. She has had it for too long now and seems to have forgotten the mutual understanding we had. I was going to charge her interest if she made a withdrawl but in the end, I didn't have the heart (obviously because she had it in the first place).

If you are too thick to understand this letter then I'll put it straight (and I am straight despite the italian shoes) I owe you. I really, really owe you. I owe you from the bottom of my heart (which, once again, let me remind you is in your custody). Things have not been the same since I met you at the bank reception and you opened an account with us. I would watch your funds go in and out everyday and wished it was something of my own that went in and out, in and out of you. You are the key to my vault, the signature on my contract, the exchange rate of my emotions. After seeing you, all the money I have seems pointless ( only metaphorically; twelve million pounds always manage to make a point) That permanent smile I used to have for wooing customers makes me feel like a mannequin now. How can I smile with you not in my life? I lay at night and dream of you. Dream of your eyes that are like a five pound note, of your hair that has the crispness of a new note and the shine of pound coin. I imagine the two of us counting all my money in the bank vault and watching CCTV all day. Instead of beads you could have pound coins in your hair (I know it will take a lot but I have it, don't you worry) or we could have your hair styled like the Queen's. You see, I am quite used to seeing her around me and any partner of mine has got to look like the Queen lest I be reminded of my nightmares of poverty as a clerk.

If we get married soon then we will have our honeymoon in our new Indian callcentres. Those guys make the best curry in the world and answer phones as well. Brilliant.

Let me know of your reply on this quote as your overdraft is running high and I am anxious for a direct debit. Once again, I owe you. Wasn't it Shakespeare or some other pen-pusher who said, 'How do I love thee, let me count the ways?' Well, being a banker, I could count for the rest of my life. I owe you. I owe you. I owe you from the bottom of my heart and what a nice bottom it is. Let me know when you want to make a transaction.

Your creditor,

Robert.

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